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Big-bloated-head

11 Nov

Seberapa sulitnyakah untuk berjalan dengan kepala menunduk ketika dada dibusungkan?
“Kamu orang yang kuat dan keras, fokus untuk mencapai tujuan, dan semuanya itu kamu lakukan dengan kepala yang menunduk.”
Pesan singkat yang diterima dari seorang teman hampir sepuluh tahun yang lalu. Sampai sekarang itu merupakan salah satu pujian tertinggi yang pernah disampaikan seseorang.
I think everything does have its own way to work. Back then I always felt that I wasn’t good enough. There was always someone better than me. That kind of feeling was reflected in the way I walked. As far as I remember I hardly stumbled because my eyes were always looking downwards when I was walking. I was always too scared to face someone, to look at people’s faces directly. There was this feeling of “unworthiness”. Like I was a servant before all the kings, queens, princes and princesses. 
I don’t know when exactly it changed, but I’m different now. There’s a sense of this arrogance inside me that took over once in a while just to show that it existed. Of course when it did show up I felt really good of myself. But a short while after that I regretted my action.
I want to be that person again… my old self… who always thought that whatever good happened to me it was all by His grace and mercy only. Nothing of me, nothing coz of me…
Why is it so hard to keep my feet on the ground when my head is bloated..
And I can hear myself saying “why do I need to keep my feet on the ground if I can just fly?”
Stupid me… don’t I know that I can’t fly??!!!

-L

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Posted by on November 11, 2013 in ShoutOut

 

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