It’s been awhile since I wrote something in this blog. It’s been a hard time for me ever since that incident last year that took away my pride and my confidence. I’ve always liked to write but nowadays it’s getting more and more difficult to express my thoughts and feelings into words and sentences. So I’m just gonna post old stories of me about things happened last year.
Written August 20, 2012
A month and a half since my first day back to STB again. It’s been a weird year for me altogether…. It’s been tough for me as well, since probably this is the first time I ruined all my new year resolutions in the first semester of the year. I failed and it’s really hard for me to accept that…. even until now. I feel like I’ve lost a big battle, a battle that I usually won. It’s said that there’s always a first time for everything, and for me it came in a bad way.
I like math… Hell, I loved it. I think it’s fair for me to say that I’ve spent more time in math than most of other students (but of course not as much as those people that are REALLLYYY good in math). In high school, I spent at least two hours a day to read math and to try solving various problems taken from various sources. For me school math was never enough. I spent twice amount of time than my friends in high school only to study math. And it wasn’t because I was forced to do it, it was because I enjoyed doing it. No one forced me doing anything, I liked doing it, I loved doing it. And I was lucky to have a high school friend that shared the same “hobby” too. In fact he contributed a lot in improving my skill in solving difficult problems. Like a knife sharpening another knife (but of course he was and still is much sharper than me). I took math as my major for bachelor’s degree (though I was accepted first in Civil Eng) and I have to say, despite of struggling for some of the subjects, I did overall enjoy it.
Choosing math again as my major for master’s degree was no surprise to anyone. But withdrawing from it no doubt shocked everyone. It was a difficult decision for me, but I think it was the right one. I just couldn’t see how I could graduate in one year. I just couldn’t see how I could enjoy doing it anymore if I had no idea what I was learning in lectures. In other words…. I gave up…. And after that incident I have no guts to say I like math anymore. It’s sad because I am now a math teacher again. And it’s sad because I am supposed to share my passion in math to my students. Maybe that’s why recently I feel difficult to connect to my students again. Maybe that’s why I am no longer a good teacher anymore…. I want to give my best to my kids. I want the best for them, and I can only achieve that if I make peace to myself. I have to move on…. I have to….
shortly after that, I found this lying in my drawer…. A poetry book for which I thought someone misplaced it and accidentally put it into my drawer. But when I looked at the book more closely, I know someone put it there for a reason and here is the reason why
Written Sept 25, 2012
One of the pages in that book was dedicated for me… It came just in time when I felt so tired and unhappy about how things were going at school. It came at the right moment to strengthen me and tell me to keep moving on doing my best and care nothing about the rest.
I used to be someone who is so passionate about math. I teach to share my passion to them. My kids can tell I loved math just by listening to me talking about it. But it fades as time goes by…. Well it fades as I failed to finish what I started at NUS. But this piece of nice words was like a slap in my face. I took part in nurturing someone and helped her to see math like I did. She followed my footsteps and is currently majoring in Math at one of the best universities in the world. I bet she would be so disappointed knowing that someone she looked up to was broken into pieces and lost her way somewhere in between. It’s hard to accept failure, it’s even harder if you are the one who experience it. I mourned and mourned asking myself lots of what ifs…. the fact is I will never forget… But another fact is regardless of whatever I’ve done wrongly I can still smile knowing that I’ve done a good job with this kid… And deep inside I hope and I know that she will be a much greater person than me…. and for this I thank God to set up a nice plan for my life, a colorful and meaningful plan….