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Fought for Nothing

05 Dec

Yes, life can be so frustrating, but in the same time it is interesting. I remember like hundreds of times I planned for something that never happened just to prepare myself for other things unseen. Nah, I can’t change the past and I don’t want. Yeah, perhaps when you look at things one by one you would see things didn’t go as you planned. However, when you’re trying to look at the bigger picture, you’ll find that indeed everything fits perfectly, bit by bit.

I’ve lost some friends, the good ones…. Have never stopped blaming myself for that. Lost the first when I was still twelve and beating myself up for days, weeks, even months after that. Nah, he didn’t die or what, he is still alive, breathing his life up until now. But he is not the same boy I once knew. Lost him because of bad influences from his surroundings, well quite clear I didn’t surround him that time. But yeah, just to cut it short, he is not the way I once imagined him to be. But one dream still left and this could be the only dream we both have shared for a decade. I pray for you and your dream, friend…. All the best.

I too, lost some friends from my junior high. Unlike the first one, this time was due to the changes in me. Let’s put it this way, I am not the perfect same as before. Lifestyle has changed, thoughts and ideas have changed, even my dreams got modified. So lately I found that while I was talking to them, I didn’t get the feeling of needing and being needed anymore. But, for the sake of what we have together as our history, we do keep ourselves in touch at least once a year. Even though I can hear that the deepest part in me shouts loudly to myself “get me outta here!!”

I treasure my friends in high school. Perhaps that is the best time to reach out and find your true-self. Yep, so far only them remain my good ones in perfect circle. Frictions? Definitely yes. Fought few times, but sharing more things in common than differences, I think. Most importantly they are my warriors of prayers. I guess, this is our glue which sticks us together until now. Yep, they are my warriors to keep me sane and remind me of my good Lord.

Things got complicated in university. Things for which until now I can’t really understand. Basically I saw more differences than commonality. Things which I don’t think I was ready to face. I wasn’t really a person who can easily accept differences and worse when we talk about huge differences. But yeah, I thought I could handle those and look at me now. I am not even sure what I still have and what I don’t anymore. 4 years and it could mean nothing. And it saddened me the most. Irony isn’t it? Those for whom you give your best fight for, the tears, the worries, the caring turned out to be those whom I can’t really find right now. It was like having this line to conclude everything, “once can’t fit in, never it could.” I fought for nothing.

Not to put aside those who have helped me so much and are still there taking care of me and protecting me. Guys, you know you are in me…. I just need some media to shout back at those who were there but not anymore, and maybe it’s including me.

The funny thing of all of these is there are still some mysterious people out there who have always been there through all my seasons…. They came unexpectedly and indescribably have awesome effect for mending my wounds. Thank you for all my knights….

I guess it’s interesting, isn’t it. They might not be the friends you expected them would be, but they are still the best fit for you. And I believe whoever the left outs are, even though they have hurt me badly, they would only be there for one purpose: To get me stronger and wiser and better.

With every loss follows tears and grief, but also new strength and hope for the better days.

-L

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Posted by on December 5, 2009 in ShoutOut

 

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