12 Nov

I know we are supposed to be thankful of what we have and who we are. But being honest, this is not the life that once I dreamed about.  

I was an idealist, believed that everything happens for a good reason and believed that if you are nice to other then people will be nice to you. But yeah, as I grow older all the thoughts that I had once, one by one starting to disappear. Today, another thought of being an idealist was again being tested. I believed that one has to respect other people’s freedom. Including, freedom to speak and express their feelings. When blogging or expressing yourself in the website is not allowed anymore then what should one do. I know one should not swear to anyone else using inappropriate words, but come to think about it, one can’t either make everyone likes you. I’m fine when someone said (s)he hates me, because its his/her opinion.

Furthermore, they are still kids, they have unstable emotions. I was once to be a very emotional person. Can’t accept critics, and if someone did give me one, then I will be very angry. What did I do? I can’t punch the person, because I know (s)he has the right to express what his/her own again OPINION. So I went back home, I started punching the walls until I got bruises on my hands. Do they have to do this kind of thing? I don’t think they are that stupid to follow my footsteps. I was and am stupid because I don’t want to hurt other people, but given that I was very angry so I started to hurt myself. Perhaps, this kind of thought that makes me think it’s okay for you to criticize me now as long as you didn’t hurt yourself.

But yeah, I disagree with vulgar words expressing hatred or such. Yet, I hate hypocrites more. For me there is no difference between swearing in front of the person and behind the person. In fact at some point, I prefer the first one. I was once being interrupted because I put the word “damn” on my status on facebook. But it only said “I am damn young to take the burden”. Is that even swearing? Even if it was swearing, I was the one who was being sworn by me. Was angry to myself that I couldn’t do anything so I shouted to the world that I was damn idiot. I didn’t hurt anyone, the only person I hurt was myself, but then I thought by expressing it out loud I would hurt myself less. And don’t forget I’m 22 for God’s sake. Was 21 perhaps when I put up that status. Don’t want to lose a chance to get to know myself, and if I have to swear to myself to achieve it, so be it.

Furthermore…. I am the type who takes the hard way to learn about something. That’s why I almost always punish myself if I did wrong or below my expectation, because it is how I’m gonna improve myself. I can’t take praise, will feel like I am on top of the world and eventually will fall down. For me it is better to look up than look down. So let say I am sick, and the only medicine to cure me is by “swearing” therapy to myself. Rather than I kill myself, it is acceptable. Rather than killing somebody else it will be the best way. But yeah, that still doesn’t legalize swearing. But I didn’t swear to anybody else, and will not do it in any time soon. Argh…. What am I talking about. It’s not even my business….

It’s just me trying to express my opinion. I’m not trying to hurt anyone or against anyone or anything. Just putting words to my thought. Those who know me, know it best that hurting someone else is just not me…. If in order to forgive, I need to swear, I’ll do it. If in order to love, I need to swear, I’ll do it. Am not perfect so not trying to apologize…. It’s only my thought with my limited brain. And am forced to use it until the time comes and granted eternity.


With damn love,



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Posted by on November 12, 2009 in ShoutOut


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