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Monthly Archives: November 2009

DReamS….

Without dreams there is no hope, without hope there is no life, without life there is nothing…. Or empty should I say….

When we were kids, we wondered what is it like to be an adult. We dreamed our dreams, to be a doctor, an engineer and even sometimes we dreamed to be a magician. Well, in my case I dreamed to be a mathematician.

As time goes by, each little pieces of our dreams is taken away one by one. We dream less, we wonder less, we hope less (might have just said hopeless).

I was someone who liked to dream, I dreamed almost every day in my life. I was an idealist who kept my dreams in hand and waited for the right time to open my palm and see those things come true. But what happen if my hand sweats and all the dreams slipped away?

Lost without any sign of direction…. Yep…. I am lost without a map in hand and geography is just not my subject. I am left without my dreams, desperately trying to get new ones but apparently have lost the innocence of the kid to light up my imagination.

I was trained to be focus with my own vision, have never walked without any plan in mind. I am just too straight to take a turn. I run with one thing in mind: I will see the finish line somewhere and will definitely reach it with a banner in hand. But yeah, I failed to consider the obstacles, the unexpected incidents, the outside variables that can actually affect my result. The next thing I know, I ended up in a new track which I didn’t see before. Might have had taken the wrong turn, like I said I am too damn straight to take a turn, too damn stiff to look at other directions.

When the dreams get stuck in the middle of nowhere, we are faced with choices. Decisions have to be made to continue our journey. Don’t believe when people say, “Take it slowly, one step at a time.” Because now I know, even a little step we took once in our past caused a very long chain reaction which still gives impact until now (or should I say forever). Yep, agree with the phrase “Your past determines who you are.”

I am here watching my dream fades away. Wish I had the ability to freeze things so can actually keep it visible. What should I do then? Wait until it’s entirely gone? Or race against time to create a new one. I feel I’m too old to start dreaming again. Yet, I’m also too young to start giving up.

Why the choices have always seemed too hard to choose. No wonder I was bad at multiple choices. I have no idea of what to choose or what to decide. Other people might have got lucky (even though I don’t believe in luck) by choosing the right one or by not having hard time to choose. But yeah, have to also consider those who don’t really have a chance to choose.

Like the wise people said. Have to be grateful for who we are and what we have (and what we don’t).
The dreams are blessings…. Dream big when you are young so you’ll have plenty in your hand when you are old. Me? I’ll just hold on to what I still have to make sure it will not go away without leaving any good. Without a map I will walk, blindfolded still I will see, coz everything is kept right inside my heart, standing firmly on my faith. So He says, “Blessed are those who believe without seeing.”

Good luck with keeping your own dreams (tho again… I don’t believe in luck…)

-L

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 22, 2009 in ShoutOut

 

Swear!nG….

I know we are supposed to be thankful of what we have and who we are. But being honest, this is not the life that once I dreamed about.  

I was an idealist, believed that everything happens for a good reason and believed that if you are nice to other then people will be nice to you. But yeah, as I grow older all the thoughts that I had once, one by one starting to disappear. Today, another thought of being an idealist was again being tested. I believed that one has to respect other people’s freedom. Including, freedom to speak and express their feelings. When blogging or expressing yourself in the website is not allowed anymore then what should one do. I know one should not swear to anyone else using inappropriate words, but come to think about it, one can’t either make everyone likes you. I’m fine when someone said (s)he hates me, because its his/her opinion.

Furthermore, they are still kids, they have unstable emotions. I was once to be a very emotional person. Can’t accept critics, and if someone did give me one, then I will be very angry. What did I do? I can’t punch the person, because I know (s)he has the right to express what his/her own again OPINION. So I went back home, I started punching the walls until I got bruises on my hands. Do they have to do this kind of thing? I don’t think they are that stupid to follow my footsteps. I was and am stupid because I don’t want to hurt other people, but given that I was very angry so I started to hurt myself. Perhaps, this kind of thought that makes me think it’s okay for you to criticize me now as long as you didn’t hurt yourself.

But yeah, I disagree with vulgar words expressing hatred or such. Yet, I hate hypocrites more. For me there is no difference between swearing in front of the person and behind the person. In fact at some point, I prefer the first one. I was once being interrupted because I put the word “damn” on my status on facebook. But it only said “I am damn young to take the burden”. Is that even swearing? Even if it was swearing, I was the one who was being sworn by me. Was angry to myself that I couldn’t do anything so I shouted to the world that I was damn idiot. I didn’t hurt anyone, the only person I hurt was myself, but then I thought by expressing it out loud I would hurt myself less. And don’t forget I’m 22 for God’s sake. Was 21 perhaps when I put up that status. Don’t want to lose a chance to get to know myself, and if I have to swear to myself to achieve it, so be it.

Furthermore…. I am the type who takes the hard way to learn about something. That’s why I almost always punish myself if I did wrong or below my expectation, because it is how I’m gonna improve myself. I can’t take praise, will feel like I am on top of the world and eventually will fall down. For me it is better to look up than look down. So let say I am sick, and the only medicine to cure me is by “swearing” therapy to myself. Rather than I kill myself, it is acceptable. Rather than killing somebody else it will be the best way. But yeah, that still doesn’t legalize swearing. But I didn’t swear to anybody else, and will not do it in any time soon. Argh…. What am I talking about. It’s not even my business….

It’s just me trying to express my opinion. I’m not trying to hurt anyone or against anyone or anything. Just putting words to my thought. Those who know me, know it best that hurting someone else is just not me…. If in order to forgive, I need to swear, I’ll do it. If in order to love, I need to swear, I’ll do it. Am not perfect so not trying to apologize…. It’s only my thought with my limited brain. And am forced to use it until the time comes and granted eternity.

 

With damn love,

 

-L

 
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Posted by on November 12, 2009 in ShoutOut