Fearless or courageous?

What does it mean to be fearless?

To jump off a 20-story building without fear?

To jump into a lake knowing you can’t swim?

What does it mean to be courageous?

Holding your head up when people look down on you?

Keep moving forward even when you don’t see the finish line?

I am not fearless, I will never be

I fear for my life, and the Lord help me to put the fear of God in me

To be courageous is what I want to be

To count my steps even when people tell me there’s no way out

To knit my dreams even when the world tell me I dont have enough yarn

I am courageous, fear encourage me to be better


For the weary

It was a promise everyone of us once made

It was a burst of emotion everyone of us once said

To not take others for granted

To shield them away from the unwanted

Time showed life took a different turn

Whatever will left was eventually burned

A vast world with many heroes

Letting go to let it grow

One doesn’t get to be the Superman

One saves by being a pawn

1 Timothy 4:12

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

There has been a shocking news about a teacher from a respectable school in Jakarta who is currently under an investigation for sending inappropriate text messages and pictures to his underage students. It caught my attention because of two reasons; first, the teacher is from the school that shares the same name as my dear highschool, second, the teacher is just 25 y.o. and quite good looking (forgive my human eyes). As I scrolled down on few articles that reported this case, I saw some nasty comments about young teachers. I can’t believe that people actually condemn the school for accepting a young teacher and entrusting him to be a homeroom teacher. As a teacher who started teaching as soon as I finished my degree, I feel a little bit offended. I was accepted to serve as a teacher at an international school in Jakarta when I was still 21 y.o. My principal back then interviewed me directly and kept asking me whether I was sure to leave Singapore to start working as a teacher here in my hometown. He left me an impression that he did not want me to work there. Not a bad impression per se, rather he reminded me of a patient Dad who is trying to convince his daughter that she has the whole world before her and perhaps it’s a good idea to take some time and weigh the options. 

I convinced myself that I wouldn’t survive in Singapore. For me, Indonesia is my home no matter how chaotic it can get. The school is conveniently located about 5km from my home and it’s just too good of an opportunity to pass. 21 years 4 months and 2 weeks old…. i stepped into a classroom, not as a student but as a teacher. It wasn’t easy at all as I remember I cried almost every day for the first semester. Students look down on you, parents thought you are just some genius math wizz (which I’m not btw) who is not qualified to be a teacher. I know how it feels to be sat down in a room before 11 parents who reported you to the principal for failing their kids. (I still hold the record I think). During all those hard moments and hurdles, my dear principal became my hero. He never once blamed me, he never once turned his back on me. He stood by me and he shielded me from those parents. I recorded that “trial” perfectly in my head and my heart.

So it hurt me to learn that people think good schools are not supposed to hire young teachers. If no good schools are to hire these young talents, then who will nurture them and train them to be a good teacher? It takes a process. Some might take more than others but it doesn’t mean we should close that door of opportunity before them. I am forever grateful of my dear boss, who had patiently waited for me and taught me to become who I am today.

I am not saying I am a perfect teacher now. I am far away from that, and still learning to be better… But one thing I’m pretty sure of is, I love my kids and, with God’s help, I strive to always give my best to lay bricks on their pathway. Being a teacher, for me, is an honour. Is the only job in the world that let people trust you with their most precious treasures, voluntarily. If you don’t feel the same way then maybe you would be better off doing something else.

To young teachers out there, 

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young!


One more reason

Today started like any other day. Little did I know, it went very well… so well that I am still smiling thinking about it.

I’ve been a teacher for 8.5 years and I’ve also learned that sometimes it’s best not to put too much faith to our students when it comes to our relationship with them. So when my former students told me that they would come and visit me, I know I shouldn’t put too much hope in it. I did at first but usually it came down to disappointment of cancelled appointments. So today I was very touched that two of my first students came to my tuition place. One of them asked for my address and he really made it! Unfortunately i was in the mid of teaching a class so I cant really catch up with them. But boy! Am I so happy!!! Former students came to school, thats normal. But when I am no longer at school and they still look for me. That is just special. This is very encouraging and it’s like a proof that I’ve done something right. I am grateful for that and feel really blessed.

And this just adds to my good memories of being a teacher.

I cant stop loving my kids.


Kutetap Setia

Saved this song after a Sunday service few weeks ago.

Seperti wanita mengurapiMu
Menangis di bawah kakiMu
Demikian hidupku mau mengasihiMu
Yesus Engkau baik bagiku
Sampai akhir ku menutup mata
Kutetap setia menanti janjiMu
Sampai kudapatkan mahkota kehidupanku
Kutetap setia melayaniMu

Easier said than done. I know how hard it is to stay faithful. There are too many things that can distract me. Too many tempting sins… listening to this song, i can do nothing but crying… imagining myself looking at the mirror and condemning me. How can someone that is blessed so much can still be disloyal. Am i worth saving? 

Rest in peace my dear friend

They say people come and go and it’s not a big deal at all. I thought the same too, especially after experiencing losing some friends over the years. The word losing has never been that real before. Previously, my definition of losing friends is a result largely due to our own doings. We got too caught up in our own activities, or at one point we found that we, as friends, don’t really share the same perspectives anymore.
These kinds of losing are usually unnoticeable. When one party finally realizes, it is usually too late to fix.
I was checking out the timeline of my Facebook page when I read a post about the different phases of losing friends. Starting from promising that we would always be together regardless anything. Then promising to meet up once a week. Then realizing that it’s hard to actually synchronizing our schedule to meet up. I repost the album and was typing few names from my past who used to be my good friends to thank them and maybe at the same time to apologize, but in the end I decided not to tag anyone. The decision that I now regret.
About a week after that, I received a very shocking message in my highschool whatsapp group. A message that says, one of my friends, who used to be my close friend, passed away. I still remember thinking that I’ve probably read it wrongly. Maybe it was her parent, not her. My eyes read it right…. it was her…. a 28 y.o girl who was the reason I got scolded and chased out by my Chemistry teacher, who came to my house to study math, who said to me in the beginning of my teaching career “I’ve always known you would become a great teacher!”
Million times that day I asked myself why did I not contact her after posting that album. I was planning to reach out to her but I was too scared that we don’t really have things to talk about after so many years not meeting each other. Stupid me!
Losing has never felt this real. I lost my grandma due to old age, but we saw that coming. I did not see this coming…. I did not know she suffered that long. Me and my ignorance!
There she was, lying peacefully in that small bed. I tried to smile looking at how peaceful her face is, but that stupid me couldn’t hold back my tears. I kept apologizing to her hoping that she knew how sorry I was. So selfish right… I’m sorry….


6 tahun seketika terasa terlalu kejam
Melihatmu hanya dalam mata yg terpejam
Tak kusangka itu kali terakhir
Jamuan kita yg terakhir

Melihatmu terbaring tanpa kata
Tersenyum diiringi gita
Air mataku yang lelah bersembunyi
Di balik mereka yang bernyanyi

Tangan ini hendak meraihmu
Tau betapa hari ini terasa semu
Mengapa hanya kau yg tersenyum
Seindah bunga sekuntum

Biarkan kami mengantar dengan lambaian
Menjaga lelap tidurmu dalam buaian
Bila kelak kita bertemu
Janjiku untuk menjamu

Selamat jalan kawan lamaku
Sampai bertemu di akhir waktuku…

15 Mei 2016
Ditulis untuk Magdalena Noviana Loke yang telah pergi ke rumah Bapa di surga pada tanggal 12 Mei 2016

Farewell, Nov… til we meet again…

The temptation

Today, I came to my old school to collect the tax form. It was not the first time I went there after my resignation, but it was my first time stepping into the building. In the previous occasions I only picked up my ex colleagues at the lobby to have lunch together. So yea… the initial plan was to go there, take the form then go. But little did I know, the plan went south…. after I collected the form, I ran into an ex colleague who, in my opinion, likes to share things to people including the higher up people (i.e. bosses). So in my mind I was thinking, oh no… now I have to go upstairs and greet the bosses, else they will think that I don’t respect them or appreciate them. It’s not that I didn’t want to see them, I missed them… it’s just like, I don’t know what to say or how to behave or whether they’ll welcome me… with those things in mind, I decided that probably it’s not the best idea to go up to the teachers’ office. But because of this wonderful ex-colleague of mine, I had to change my plan. And anyway I had to take my books from my good friend who took a half day leave today and she left the books at her workstation. So yea… I went up, bumped into another good friend, whom I’ve never met after my resignation, stopped at the hallway and do the usual chit chats til i started hearing a very familiar voice… my boss’. But i thought oh probably he’s gonna go back to his office after this, so we wont really see each other. My oh my…. few minutes after hearing his voice, while i was still talking to my friend, he signalled me and said “mr **”. I looked back, and there he was… God, didn’t i miss him! I walked towards him and shook his hand “hi sir”. And yea… so we can guess what happened next. He asked “are you coming back?” Me: no… “why not?” Me: even he decides to leave (pointing at my friend). “He doesnt have a choice, but you do!” Me: *hesitate for awhile.* well… “you have tried it and maybe now it’s time to come back” Me:*damn he is good at this! What if he is right* not yet, sir.. my cycle is a 3 year cycle… so let me try for 2 more years then we’ll see. “Just know that our door is always open for you. Ok… it’s always open…”
Okay…. I’m not kidding when I said I believe he is half God half human…. he has that power over me so that everything that he says I feel like I have to agree with it. Well…. he almost got me. Luckily I’ve played the scenario over and over again in my head that I will say no, no matter what. I just can’t believe that I was actually considering it. It’s gonna be super funny if I decide to come back… imagine how my resume will look like…. whoever trying to employ me will be thinking “this girl, she keeps on falling into the same hole everytime she tries to get out. It’s just about time she’s gonna come back to that school again.”
This is why I said I actually missed him. He was the centre of my teaching life. I’d learned a lot from him and I’m actually still learning from him through my kids who are currently taught by him. He will forever be my greatest boss and greatest teacher. That is how much I respect him. A lil bit too much I think… but that is how it is… if he does what he did 3 years ago, i.e. calling me again and again, asking me whether I want to come back, God… I think I might go back… so let’s hope that it doesn’t happen….
It’s weird being tempted by something that shouldn’t be a temptation at all.
It’s weird how people say that nowadays, you can’t find loyalty anymore, but here I am, feeling like I should serve the same boss forever.



If anyone noticed, in the last post I published earlier, I did use a tag “farewell”. Well… I came to Singapore not only to celebrate my friend’s wedding, but to also bid her a farewell.
It’s really a huge change for her and her husband, since not only they start a new life together but they will also start it in a new place, new country with a new workplace. But as long as they are together, I think it should still be a good thing, right?
Anyway…. bidding a farewell is always difficult no matter how many times you have done it. It gets easier, yes… a lil bit. But the thought of course still bothers your mind. Even though in normal basis I don’t see her that often anyway; mostly once a year, twice a year sometimes; but you always know that you are just separated by a 1.5 hour flight…. a month from now, it won’t be a 1.5 hour flight anymore. It’ll be a one day flight and I don’t know whether we will see each other anymore.
Life…. people come and go, fate helps it. I am now at the age where I can fully understand that sometimes things have to go on in a certain way whether or not you like it. I can still recall that moment 10 years ago when I cried like a baby asking my best friend to not go overseas to study; even though I knew I would also go overseas to study, teenager and logic, they don’t go hand in hand. So I can confidently say that I’m over that period.  Sounds like I’m bragging over it, well I’m not. I actually think it was a sweet gesture of mine, the crying like a baby part. Haha… but seriously. I mean I guess at this stage we can all accept that God has a plan for each of us; whether it is a plan to always be together or separated, I believe it is still a good plan, the best for us. Having said that, again it is still difficult. I am facing it with the worst scenario in mind that we wont meet again. So I make sure that, assuming this time is the last, there is no regret or whatsoever between us. That we will remember each other as someone who brings joy, laughter and peace. As cheesy as it sounds, I want people to remember me that way. Regardless of all the flaws that I have in me, I always “dress up” with my best attitude for my supposedly last encounter with anyone important to me. Well most of the times you have no idea whether it will be the last but I would suggest to avoid fights with anyone you don’t see that often. Common sense, duh!
I’m in the flight going back home and I’m making peace with all my personalities in me. To let go and wish them the best…. I have one less reason to visit that little country but that only means I have more reasons to visit other places in the world!
Farewell, my friend…. you are never only a friend to me… you are a family…. it’s been a wonderful journey.


Her Wedding

It was one beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the sky was clear. It was a huge day for my wonderful friend and for certain part, it felt big for me too. There she was walking in white dress with squinted eyes, since well… she didn’t wear her glasses.
Everytime someone important to me getting married I always feel excited, happy and that ticklish feeling like you know something good is going to happen to you. I can’t explain why, I’m just describing how I feel. And for this friend of mine, it was no different. For the last two months I had myself worrying on what to give to her on her special day (or well… to be fair I started to seriously think of it a month ago). I know how big this day is to her and I wanted her to know that it is to me too.
So, I decided to make an album for her. Something that can reflect what we’ve been through from the first we met til the moment she met her now husband then boyfriend. I was supposed to give it to her on her wedding day but I thought I was going back to my room after the lunch reception and before meeting her for dinner again, so I left it in my room. But we didn’t meet for dinner so yea…. I guess the present would be a day late then…
Here is a peek on this wonderful event


I pray that the Lord give them both direction and wisdom to sail the rest of their lives together. And may they both be blessed abundantly with happiness and joy…
Congratulations on your wedding!!!



I was having my same old problem today when trying to decide whether or not I should go to the church. You know…. Being too lazy and imagining myself just watching tv or sleeping the whole day…. I decided to go anyway, because my parents were going to a funeral home, so I had to drop them and yea… just go to the church afterwards.

I’ve been having this problem for a long time. Maintaining my faith, maintaining my commitment to Him, these are not easy for me. I lost my way countless of time. To which after few months I would go crying to God and asked for forgiveness. The cycle continues endlessly.

Today is one of those days…. Something the pastor said today has kinda hit me hard. He said people nowadays have mistaken and misunderstood faith as their own wishes and desire. We have to be able to know the difference. God gives us His commands and His promises. We are so focused on His promises, call those as faith, and forget His commands instead. The pastor said faith is actually something that needs sacrifice. Sarah was pregnant when she was 90 y.o. That is faith as she had to endure the pain, the shame, of having to carry a baby when her body naturally could not take it anymore. Abraham was ready to sacrifice his only son that was born when he was 100 y.o. That is faith as he had to feel the pain and face all those crazy thoughts of having to kill his own son. Faith never come easy. Faith is not supposed to be one of our wishes or desire. Faith is supposed to be based on the Father’s desire for us. It is not our will, it is His will. And our willingness to follow His will. That is what faith is all about. If we still live in a lifestyle that we ourselves created for our own benefit and neglecting His lifestyle, do we deserve to say that I have faith God will grant me this or that? That is not faith… that is our will and for some crooked reasons, we hope God will follow ours.

The pastor used this illustration in his sermon: “say that I have a maid. One day my wife and I decided to call this maid and tell her “if you clean our house everyday properly according to our standard of cleanliness and if you cook our meals without MSG and with less salt, by the end of your first year, we will buy you a motorbike. Now, if everyday she keeps on singing my promise to her that I will buy her a motorbike but forgetting my terms, will I buy her a motorbike? But let say, if instead, she remembers my commands by keeping my house clean and cook healthy meals for my family everyday, even though she doesn’t remind me of my promise the next year, will I buy her a motorbike? well, the same goes to you. It doesn’t matter how loud you sing your so called “faith” to God, it doesn’t matter how often you say “I believe God will provide me with this and that”, if you only remember His promises without obeying his terms, do you really think God will be happy to listen to your off-pitch singing?”

I guess, I have been the first maid all along…. I only want to remember His promises without doing my part. Sadly, that has been my definition of faith. Sadly that is how big my faith is….

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matt 6:33