An Imperfect Perfection

At night I cried
On my knee looking for light
No one’s there no one cares
A broken soul waiting for an end

They say I am perfect
2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands, 2 legs, a mouth, a tongue and every other thing human should have
Yet I feel I have nothing

A blind man sees through heart
A deaf one hears heartbeats
A guy is standing there without a leg
Standing firmly on his faith
A mute girl keeps her promise
Saving her best voice for the Lord’s day
A mom with one hand cares
Hugging her kids with her warmest love

Who am I o Lord
When I can’t see through heart
Can’t hear heartbeats
Losing my own faith now and then
Breaking my promises and talking nonsense
Wasn’t there to hug my friends when they need me

Who am I Lord….
I have everything but share nothing
Knew You but left You
Was called but walked away

As now I know the meaning of perfect
You don’t need two hands to lift up a prayer
Don’t need eyes to have a faith
Don’t need two legs to run His race
Don’t need ears to hear Him calling

Perfection in imperfection is who they are

An imperfect perfection is who I am

October 18, 2009

At night I cried

On my knee looking for light

No one’s there no one cares

A broken soul waiting for an end

They say I am perfect

2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands, 2 legs, a mouth, a tongue and every other thing human should have

Yet I feel I have nothing

A blind man sees through heart

A deaf one hears heartbeats

A guy is standing there without a leg

Standing firmly on his faith

A mute girl keeps her promise

Saving her best voice for the Lord’s day

A mom with one hand cares

Hugging her kids with her warmest love

Who am I o Lord

When I can’t see through heart

Can’t hear heartbeats

Losing my own faith now and then

Breaking my promises and talking nonsense

Wasn’t there to hug my friends when they need me

Who am I Lord….

I have everything but share nothing

Knew You but left You

Was called but walked away

As now I know the meaning of perfect

You don’t need two hands to lift up a prayer

Don’t need eyes to have a faith

Don’t need two legs to run His race

Don’t need ears to hear Him calling

Perfection in imperfection is who they are

An imperfect perfection is who I am

October 18, 2009

Beauty in the Beast

Built to be a good one
Not because I really want
I tried to at least
Not to let myself be a beast

So I start to keep my words
Which some said it can be my sword
My head is spinning
Keeping the emotions from running

Longing to shoot my best curses
Red eyes, boiling blood, exploding head
I got my recipe and tools
Waiting for the right target to rule

Devil inside me,
Devil inside you,
Finding a hole to break out
And leave our names as their aliases

Forgive me not to act right
Sure things aren’t as bright
An excuse to deliberately fall
And point at someone to take a fall

A handshake to seal the dark
And let light slip into the ark
It’s another day passed by
Another chance to forgive

Men in hope women in dreams
I’m there to watch it turns real
Buried my wrath for once
Reaping my parts forever

-L

Things Happened in 09…

A friend of mine once told me that it’s fine for me to take a break for awhile whenever I feel tired. I didn’t buy it. I mean, the clock is ticking whether or not I take an action. And if by taking a break means I do nothing during the period, I feel like I’m wasting a chance.

Conclusion: I wasted some chances in 2009.

If there’s one thing that always sticks with me every time, everywhere, and in everything I do that would be my brain. I am too scared to take an action without thinking about the consequences, thinking about how, when, where, why and what. BUT, a big BUT, sometimes my brain has to give a way to my emotion. Example, no matter how much I hate to go to a “kondangan” or wedding invitation, for this one person, my ex-boss who I respect so much, I was willing to go, and I went there. In this case, my emotion did override my brain.

Conclusion: my emotion beat my brain in 2009.

However, almost everything in my life has a contradiction and a paradox playing on it. Yep, I don’t believe in taking any break out of my life, but I need to think before deciding anything and last time I recalled from my own dictionary, thinking means doing nothing but thinking. And bang…. I don’t believe in break but yet I’m using it.

Conclusion: I took many breaks in 2009.

I didn’t believe in tearing down any friendship. I used to believe if some people were friends in the past they would be friends forever. But yeah, I was in primary school when I thought that is true. Still, whenever I felt my relationship with any of my friends being threatened, I fought hard to keep it safe. No need to mention how many times I lost the fights. And, yea the guilt remains still.

Conclusion: I lost some fights in 2009.

Things are different now, I’ve learned new skill: to let go…. This skill is as important as the fighting skills, after you lost, you need to accept it and let it go. A friend said to me, when one door closes another one opens. So I guess, I just need to look at other directions. See if I can recognize which door is currently open.

Conclusion: I am letting someone go now.

It’s a new year, fellas…. New hopes, new resolutions (tho some of the old ones remain), and new people (with some of the old ones as permanent residences)…. Look back if necessary but open your eyes to see the new ones waiting…. It’s another sunset and waiting for sunrise to make it complete.

Conclusion: am trying to bluff myself about the hopes…. But who knows His plans for me, right?

Happy New Year 2010.

Wish us all a better year. God Bless You…

-L

Fought for Nothing

Yes, life can be so frustrating, but in the same time it is interesting. I remember like hundreds of times I planned for something that never happened just to prepare myself for other things unseen. Nah, I can’t change the past and I don’t want. Yeah, perhaps when you look at things one by one you would see things didn’t go as you planned. However, when you’re trying to look at the bigger picture, you’ll find that indeed everything fits perfectly, bit by bit.

I’ve lost some friends, the good ones…. Have never stopped blaming myself for that. Lost the first when I was still twelve and beating myself up for days, weeks, even months after that. Nah, he didn’t die or what, he is still alive, breathing his life up until now. But he is not the same boy I once knew. Lost him because of bad influences from his surroundings, well quite clear I didn’t surround him that time. But yeah, just to cut it short, he is not the way I once imagined him to be. But one dream still left and this could be the only dream we both have shared for a decade. I pray for you and your dream, friend…. All the best.

I too, lost some friends from my junior high. Unlike the first one, this time was due to the changes in me. Let’s put it this way, I am not the perfect same as before. Lifestyle has changed, thoughts and ideas have changed, even my dreams got modified. So lately I found that while I was talking to them, I didn’t get the feeling of needing and being needed anymore. But, for the sake of what we have together as our history, we do keep ourselves in touch at least once a year. Even though I can hear that the deepest part in me shouts loudly to myself “get me outta here!!”

I treasure my friends in high school. Perhaps that is the best time to reach out and find your true-self. Yep, so far only them remain my good ones in perfect circle. Frictions? Definitely yes. Fought few times, but sharing more things in common than differences, I think. Most importantly they are my warriors of prayers. I guess, this is our glue which sticks us together until now. Yep, they are my warriors to keep me sane and remind me of my good Lord.

Things got complicated in university. Things for which until now I can’t really understand. Basically I saw more differences than commonality. Things which I don’t think I was ready to face. I wasn’t really a person who can easily accept differences and worse when we talk about huge differences. But yeah, I thought I could handle those and look at me now. I am not even sure what I still have and what I don’t anymore. 4 years and it could mean nothing. And it saddened me the most. Irony isn’t it? Those for whom you give your best fight for, the tears, the worries, the caring turned out to be those whom I can’t really find right now. It was like having this line to conclude everything, “once can’t fit in, never it could.” I fought for nothing.

Not to put aside those who have helped me so much and are still there taking care of me and protecting me. Guys, you know you are in me…. I just need some media to shout back at those who were there but not anymore, and maybe it’s including me.

The funny thing of all of these is there are still some mysterious people out there who have always been there through all my seasons…. They came unexpectedly and indescribably have awesome effect for mending my wounds. Thank you for all my knights….

I guess it’s interesting, isn’t it. They might not be the friends you expected them would be, but they are still the best fit for you. And I believe whoever the left outs are, even though they have hurt me badly, they would only be there for one purpose: To get me stronger and wiser and better.

With every loss follows tears and grief, but also new strength and hope for the better days.

-L

Never Knew I Needed

Here just to share a song that captured my heart since the first time I heard it.

For the way you changed my plans
for being the perfect distraction
for the way you took the idea that i have
of everything that i wanted to have
and made me see there was something missing

for the ending of my first begin
and for the rare and unexpected friend
for the way you’re something that i never choose
but at the same time something i don’t wanna lose
and never wanna be without ever again

you’re the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you’re the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it’s so clear i need you here always

my accidental happily (ever after)
the way you smile and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
i must admit you were not a part of my book
but now if you open it up and take a look
you’re the beginning and the end of every chapter

you’re the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you’re the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it’s so clear i need you here always

who’d knew that i’d be here
so unexpectedly
undeniably happy
said with you right here, right here next to me

girl you’re the..
you’re the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you’re the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it’s so clear i need you here always
baby baby
now it’s so clear i need you here always

Artist: Ne-Yo

DReamS….

Without dreams there is no hope, without hope there is no life, without life there is nothing…. Or empty should I say….

When we were kids, we wondered what is it like to be an adult. We dreamed our dreams, to be a doctor, an engineer and even sometimes we dreamed to be a magician. Well, in my case I dreamed to be a mathematician.

As time goes by, each little pieces of our dreams is taken away one by one. We dream less, we wonder less, we hope less (might have just said hopeless).

I was someone who liked to dream, I dreamed almost every day in my life. I was an idealist who kept my dreams in hand and waited for the right time to open my palm and see those things come true. But what happen if my hand sweats and all the dreams slipped away?

Lost without any sign of direction…. Yep…. I am lost without a map in hand and geography is just not my subject. I am left without my dreams, desperately trying to get new ones but apparently have lost the innocence of the kid to light up my imagination.

I was trained to be focus with my own vision, have never walked without any plan in mind. I am just too straight to take a turn. I run with one thing in mind: I will see the finish line somewhere and will definitely reach it with a banner in hand. But yeah, I failed to consider the obstacles, the unexpected incidents, the outside variables that can actually affect my result. The next thing I know, I ended up in a new track which I didn’t see before. Might have had taken the wrong turn, like I said I am too damn straight to take a turn, too damn stiff to look at other directions.

When the dreams get stuck in the middle of nowhere, we are faced with choices. Decisions have to be made to continue our journey. Don’t believe when people say, “Take it slowly, one step at a time.” Because now I know, even a little step we took once in our past caused a very long chain reaction which still gives impact until now (or should I say forever). Yep, agree with the phrase “Your past determines who you are.”

I am here watching my dream fades away. Wish I had the ability to freeze things so can actually keep it visible. What should I do then? Wait until it’s entirely gone? Or race against time to create a new one. I feel I’m too old to start dreaming again. Yet, I’m also too young to start giving up.

Why the choices have always seemed too hard to choose. No wonder I was bad at multiple choices. I have no idea of what to choose or what to decide. Other people might have got lucky (even though I don’t believe in luck) by choosing the right one or by not having hard time to choose. But yeah, have to also consider those who don’t really have a chance to choose.

Like the wise people said. Have to be grateful for who we are and what we have (and what we don’t).
The dreams are blessings…. Dream big when you are young so you’ll have plenty in your hand when you are old. Me? I’ll just hold on to what I still have to make sure it will not go away without leaving any good. Without a map I will walk, blindfolded still I will see, coz everything is kept right inside my heart, standing firmly on my faith. So He says, “Blessed are those who believe without seeing.”

Good luck with keeping your own dreams (tho again… I don’t believe in luck…)

-L

Swear!nG….

I know we are supposed to be thankful of what we have and who we are. But being honest, this is not the life that once I dreamed about.  

I was an idealist, believed that everything happens for a good reason and believed that if you are nice to other then people will be nice to you. But yeah, as I grow older all the thoughts that I had once, one by one starting to disappear. Today, another thought of being an idealist was again being tested. I believed that one has to respect other people’s freedom. Including, freedom to speak and express their feelings. When blogging or expressing yourself in the website is not allowed anymore then what should one do. I know one should not swear to anyone else using inappropriate words, but come to think about it, one can’t either make everyone likes you. I’m fine when someone said (s)he hates me, because its his/her opinion.

Furthermore, they are still kids, they have unstable emotions. I was once to be a very emotional person. Can’t accept critics, and if someone did give me one, then I will be very angry. What did I do? I can’t punch the person, because I know (s)he has the right to express what his/her own again OPINION. So I went back home, I started punching the walls until I got bruises on my hands. Do they have to do this kind of thing? I don’t think they are that stupid to follow my footsteps. I was and am stupid because I don’t want to hurt other people, but given that I was very angry so I started to hurt myself. Perhaps, this kind of thought that makes me think it’s okay for you to criticize me now as long as you didn’t hurt yourself.

But yeah, I disagree with vulgar words expressing hatred or such. Yet, I hate hypocrites more. For me there is no difference between swearing in front of the person and behind the person. In fact at some point, I prefer the first one. I was once being interrupted because I put the word “damn” on my status on facebook. But it only said “I am damn young to take the burden”. Is that even swearing? Even if it was swearing, I was the one who was being sworn by me. Was angry to myself that I couldn’t do anything so I shouted to the world that I was damn idiot. I didn’t hurt anyone, the only person I hurt was myself, but then I thought by expressing it out loud I would hurt myself less. And don’t forget I’m 22 for God’s sake. Was 21 perhaps when I put up that status. Don’t want to lose a chance to get to know myself, and if I have to swear to myself to achieve it, so be it.

Furthermore…. I am the type who takes the hard way to learn about something. That’s why I almost always punish myself if I did wrong or below my expectation, because it is how I’m gonna improve myself. I can’t take praise, will feel like I am on top of the world and eventually will fall down. For me it is better to look up than look down. So let say I am sick, and the only medicine to cure me is by “swearing” therapy to myself. Rather than I kill myself, it is acceptable. Rather than killing somebody else it will be the best way. But yeah, that still doesn’t legalize swearing. But I didn’t swear to anybody else, and will not do it in any time soon. Argh…. What am I talking about. It’s not even my business….

It’s just me trying to express my opinion. I’m not trying to hurt anyone or against anyone or anything. Just putting words to my thought. Those who know me, know it best that hurting someone else is just not me…. If in order to forgive, I need to swear, I’ll do it. If in order to love, I need to swear, I’ll do it. Am not perfect so not trying to apologize…. It’s only my thought with my limited brain. And am forced to use it until the time comes and granted eternity.

 

With damn love,

 

-L

Heated Up….

Found this post in my old blog. It was quite true and I found this beautiful in term of the writing and understanding. So I decided to re-post this, to remind me to accept everything as it is. The good times, bad times, good people, bad people, good opportunities or bad chances, everything happens for a reason. To remind me that I’m here just as a servant, to serve for a greater purpose (things that lately have been very hard to fulfill). So here it is:

” CoLLiDe ” (with comments)
November 13th, 2008 by lia-andriyani

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You’re barely waking
And I’m tangled up in you
Yeah

I’m open, you’re closed
Where I follow, you’ll go
I worry I won’t see your face
Light up again

Worries…. Everyday in our minds. Human for reasons or no reason always feels worried. Worried to be alone, worried to be left by people who are important in their lives. Today we might see the faces we love, but who knows what would happen tomorrow. As we see new faces everyday, we might as well lose the sight of those old faces. And that is not the only reason. I’d rather see no faces than to see one in their gloomy days. Every time I see one with tears, I felt broken. The feel of belonging, to a community, to someone else’s life dragged me to view myself as someone whose task is to protect, to comfort, and to make sure that everything’s on their side. I started to look at myself as someone who doesn’t own its life. Like an inferior who always serves the master. Like those servant whose life was paid by the master.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

Yet it doesn’t matter how well we design everything, even though it might seem perfect from outside, it does sometimes fall into parts. And when it happens, it would probably hurt the most. On the other hand, thing to which we look at as such an ugly representation might crush our lives with its strength and wonder. Men searches for meaning, they look for it too hard until they started to lose their sight. So after all, what they’ve searched for is not a meaning, but an apology, an excuse to make their lives worth something.

I’m quiet you know
You make a first impression
I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind

I’ve always wondered how God created human for the first time. How God shaped Adam’s personalities and then the way He thought about matching Adam’s with Eve’s. or perhaps, in the essence of human being, we can always mix and match our behaviors with others…. When one is striving hard to be able to adapt with someone else’s style, what is actually on his/her mind? Is that based on purely curiosity or becoming a part of other people’s lives? And often we feel after we finally fit the hole, we started to hate it. We started to feel scared that we can’t get out from whatever we get ourselves into. Is that based on human self-oriented behavior? Or it’s just that everything gets so boring after we look at things from the hole itself?

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don’t stop here
I’ve lost my place
I’m close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

artist: Howie Day

A Pure Dedication…. and Love… (Dedicated to My Math Teacher)

Well…. Yes, He is my Lord…. Who has never changed no matter what I did. Today I met my teacher, Bu Herda. For those who follow my story from years ago must have known that she is someone that I respected so much. She was my math teacher in high school. She wasn’t the only math teacher who had taught me in high school, but the reason I respected her so much was because her belief towards me. She treated me differently. She knew my hunger in math and she willingly catered it for me. She was someone who pushed me to my highest limit, she was someone who reminded me repeatedly that I have the ability to do more and I deserved every single trust the school had given me. I was known by my close friends to be someone with low self-confidence. I had always thought that I didn’t deserve to be sent to various competitions to represent my school. Yet, she kept on encouraging me and said that she believes and she knows that I always try my best in every competition. I, no doubt owe her so much. And today of every other day, God decided that I have to meet her. Right in the time I feel nothing in my life is worth anything anymore. Right in the time I feel discourage and got no more spirit to keep on working anymore. She inspires me…. She said to me that what she’s done to my old school is based on her love to the school, as she has worked there for years, since the very beginning of the school. Not for money, not for anything…. It is purely based on the love that she has, the burden to make the school better, the responsibility to teach and to make the students understand.

Well, I thought no such thing exists anymore. No wonder I am here now at this stage, able to taste everything that not everyone has a privilege to experience. It is merely because I have such a wonderful teacher, who taught me with her fullest heart, who nurtured me not only as a teacher but as a friend who pulled me through each and everyday I felt discourage and troubled. She is a living proof, it wasn’t only based on words came out from her mouth, but I’ve experienced it. I was her student, and am still her student who is still learning through the best example, herself…..

Being a lecturer is easy; being a teacher is another extra job, extra responsibility, extra heart and mind. We’re dealing with human beings, not death creatures. Each and every one of them has different need, different character, and different way to absorb things. To be a teacher is to try reaching their hearts, being a part of their lives, live with them, understand them, and eventually push them to their highest capacity. Thank you, Ibu…. For teaching me so many things…. Not so much about the math, bout how to pursue things further than what it seems. Yes, you are right, learning math is not so much learning about how to solve a problem, but more into analyzing the problem itself. Thank you, Ibu…. It’s a great honor for me to be one of your students….

-L

A New Era

24.07.2009

Yes…. I’ve been officially graduated. I wore the academic dress, walked on the stage and getting my degree certificate. It was nice to be surrounded by old friends, those who were there through my difficult times in university but also were my great supporters of joy when we celebrated our lives back then. yeah, I missed some spots in Sg, some places that were meaningful to me. Places like Starbucks Fullerton, Changi airport and even Canteen A in NTU…. Yeah, basically all places which I used to study at and designing my dreams. But anyway…. Life moves on…. and here I am with a new chapter in my life try to write a good story book.

This new academic year is quite a change for me. Teaching the higher grades with higher level of math (don’t imagine such a high level of real math, but they call it higher level math though) is quite different with teaching the lower grades. Now I know the meaning of “peace”. Haha…. my grade 11 HL student are real students. They have always been serious in class, doing their tasks, their homework and taking the quiz like taking a real test. For grade 12, I am still taking her, a solo student but with depth of mind like 2-3 people combined together. But yeah, if before this I’ve always regarded her as the smartest one, now I think she has to compete with my youngest student in grade 7. I’m only taking 4 students in grade 7, those who are supposed to be the strongest ones in math, and there is this one little boy who has really amazed me. I do think that he is better than the average of grade 10 students. Teaching grade 7 is a joy to me. With a simple mindset they can actually solve interesting problems using their own way. Sometimes they are a bit naughty and talkative, but when I give out some questions or posted some problems they will straight away trying to solve it. And yeah, it is nice to be with them….

The last one but surely not the least, in fact this class is the largest among all other 3 classes that I teach. Grade 10 additional math. I’ve been teaching them since last semester. Generally I feel they are good students, meaning the ability to excel is there. Some of the students are even a very bright ones. But yeah…. They were often lack of motivation. However, I really feel there are some changes in this class compared to last sem. They are BETTER. yeah…. I mean it. They are more on task, more discipline in doing their homework and more motivated. I’ve always have a fun time with them, always except today. Well…. basically I want my class to be fun, because I think this is how a math class should be, a fun class. That’s why to some extent, I don’t mind if they are being active in class or being talkative. As long as they enjoy the class, they do what they should do and they are making a good progress. Few days ago, they were being noisy in class. They talked, they laughed, etc. But surprisingly almost all the questions in my worksheets were done perfectly. When I asked one of them to come forward and explain, they actually want to do it. So if you asked me, should I punish their behavior? I would say definitely NO. Rather than I shout at them at make the situation tensed and yeah they would be quiet, but they wouldn’t feel secure. Like what I did today. I lost control and shout at them. *sigh*. I regret…. I know that they have been making progress. I mean look at them…. from someone who didn’t give any crap of doing homework to someone who tries to do every question in the worksheets and be the fastest to finish. It is really something. It is….

Given all these situations, I am reminded with a famous quote from the movie Spiderman. “With great power comes great responsibilities.” I am currently trying my best to push them to their highest potential. Because I know they are bright kids and I don’t want to fail any of them. (praying hard and harder)….

So this is it…. A new era of my life…. With one simple page I want to start to write the best story of my life. May not be the most successful one, but I believe everything is well-planed by my BIG BOSS for the greater good…. Amen….

-L